What's the mane problem with society today, idiots? That's right! It is, and the only way to turn that "ratty old mane" from the
Dark Side (TM)*, is to turn it into a "natty bold mane" using Charlie's Mane Gels! We guarantee it will wrest the hairy ghost of your dog's fashion sense from the shackles of your projected emotions! No refunds except in chocolate gelt.

*(C) Lucasfilm. Reproduction or redistribution of these words is prohibited by federal law.

$Y4k

Back from the dead again by popular demand is Ford's own day of the dead. Dawn of the dead for you, it's now evening, but soon it will be dead of the days! Zombie Car!

$19.99

Goy vey! Fasten your seatbelts, gentiles, and don't forget to keep your hands at 10 and 2, your eyes on the road, and your libidos tightly constricted by your puritanical sexual mores! Chosen Peoples though, put your feet on the brakes and your schmeckle to the metal! It's time for the sign all of you sephardic singles and kosher lonelyhearts have been waiting for? The sweet sign that leads to sign sex! Party like it's Purim, you fucking assholes!

$5.99 +/- $10

A wisely man than yourself once said, "Brevity is the soul of wit, and wit is the final destination for a man of quills. A man whose quills are so deadly that Venom, Spider-Man's arch-nemisis himself, is even scared." That man was Thomas Aquinas, and his son Thomas Pynchon (they are Chinese) has fashioned for us a book of unparalleled length and long levity. Howmever, for those whose time is too precious, we present for you our Cleft Notes version of the text, consisting of only prepositions, propositions and preposteritions, all of which are true, ly wonderful.

2/$4

On the 12th day of the stomach of the Christ G-d, my true love gave to the Israelites on a stick: the most incompetent meal of the day: breakfast, freaks. And now Mount Cyanide will fuck your ass up: Winner of the Nobel Pork Prize and World's Worst Theatrical Production 1997, Menachem Bacon is the 2nd Kosher bacon to break the sound barrier. Now the only commandment Israel will be breaking is most of them!

$0.01

pwn ur 1nce 1337 b0n3rz with teh ultimate essence of death terror and twisted physical fear.

Prices vary.

I fuck, therefore I come! It's no dream, people; if you're skeptical of the existence of Black Wiener Disease, then play it safe and sheathe your evil demon in one of our Cartesian Condoms. Unlocke the secret of the opposite-day after pill, and conceive of something other than a fetus: God as the Ultimate Claws. Cartesian Condoms: for your extended matter!

$40/2

You are a real man, are you not?, but the real McCoy is the real shave that you need, and that isn't going to multiply your hairs but it's rather going to multiply your non-hairs by subtracting your hair-hairs from your face. That's the mathematical "good side" of facial parsimony!

$0.00 or best offer

Sweet Alabamy, Christo! You've never covered anything until you've covered your lip in one of Grand Dragon Jonas Muttonchop's Grand Ole Mustacheys. Your sweet face is a fucking fraud!

$19.99 each

A timeless* reimagining of the classic re-envisioning. Yule laugh if it's Christmas.

*The film's runtime is incalculable, and therefore# nonexistent.

#May contain peanuts.

$15.99 each

Remember when grandpa would pull you up onto his knee, his breath a thick cloud of tobacco and tanqueray, his false teeth clapping against his sweaty gums, making each word a whispy growl, his hands grasping feebly against your young thighs? Remember when he would put the latest record album from Church and State on top the CD player your uncle, the son he routinely molested, got for him, which he doesn't know how to use? Remember how he would swear like a rabid junkyard dog holding a knife to a baby's throat? Relive those memories with the final release from the comedy duo voted "Funniest" by a panel of America's most emotionally-repressed and broken men.

$15.99 each

A lost excerpt from Dana Plato's dialogue Mylantus tells the tale of a beached whale who asks the question "What is the good." Trapped in the famous Socratic Elenchus, a machine with the wings of a bat, the whale has no choice but to let Socrates blather on about a parable involving a ring of invisibility that is controlled by a giant eye. Socrates however, in his haste to secure an audience, forgot to secure the Elenchus correctly, and the Whale, along with Steve McQueen, escaped into the night. This debut CD from reclaimed humorists James East and Stephen West meets the weekly standard for acceptability. While it promises to provide 58 minutes, it will not Promise margarine.

$38.99 each

He's the entirely embarrassed king of a fictional land whose raging OCD is the kryptonite that cripples his will - for the color green is his only panacea. She's a ziplock bag of Lucky Charms marshmallow clovers with a heart of gold and a liver of silver. How can this modern day ocdd couple ever run a detective agency and fall in love? The tension will be almost unbearable until it's ruined in the season finale! Nominated for 7 seasons on the Heaven network, the lovable duo redefines the definition of neologism. Spine-shattering extras include a "Why'd They Do That" featurette on the making of the paper they used to write the scripts, and un-depth commentary by the actors on each menu.

BOGO for $5.2 mil

Makes two sets of footprints in the sand! Do not cross the streams.

Blood.

Fleece your friends with this fool's gold version of the original. Not for Bullies!

$1.1.50

All the fun of a buffet without all the inanimacy! But there's plenty of Artificial Intelligence to go around! Try the croutons! Yum, and taste that 100% guaranteed IncorpTechCorp, Inc. guarantee that the Smorgas-Borg is 100% likely to gain an intimate understanding of human psychology and use it for its nefarious robotic bidding! Kiss your diet and your freedom goodbye! That's the IncorpTechCorp, Inc. Smorgas-BORG difference! That's also the reason why IncorpTechCorp, Inc. went out of business; because no one would buy the Smorgas-BORG for fear of abetting its inevitable global domination! Wrestling Team bought the patent for "Pennies on the Dollar," their highly successful "penny-on-dollar" "craft business."