Objective

Solving America’s most hilarious mysteries.

Awards

2003    Third Annual Cross-County Joke-Off              New Boonesville, KS

First Place

§     Exhumed the wardrobe of FDR.

§     Created God.

§     Shattered my pelvis.

2002    KSAS 105.7 FM Guttermouth’s Snap of the Century  Seamist, FL

Golden Snap Award

§     Coined the immortal phrase.

§     First place in local pie eating contest.

§     Harvested Chinese organs.

1991    In Living Color Young Comedian’s Showcase               Detroit, MI

Honorable Mention

§     Booed after using the phrase “Nigga, please”.

§     Originated the character of Homey Dee Clown.

§     Sued by Damon Wayans for similarities to Homey D. Clown.

1987    Stockholm Concert Hall                                Stockholm, Sweden

Nobel Prize For Physics

§     Awarded for our discovery of a symmetry-breaking temporal theory.

§     Revoked when the committee discovered we had been assassinating presidents.

§     Booed after using the phrase “Nigga, please”.

1865    Appomattox Court House                                   Appomattox, VA

Gilded Funnybone for Humerous Heroics

§     Ended Civil War through the persistent mockery of Robert E. Lee.

§     Met and assassinated Abraham Lincoln during the award ceremony.

§     Masters of Ceremony at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance

§     Convinced marching band to play “Johnny B. Goode,” inspiring the very first Negro spiritual.

Experience

1981    President Reagan’s Inaugural Party                    Washington, DC

Masters of Ceremony

§     Disappointed by sub-par catering.

§     Became disillusioned with the American political machine.

§     Wrote manifesto.

1986    Time Machine                                                      Pittsburgh, PA

Inventors

§     Discovered macro-tachyon dynamics.

§     Applied theory to mechanical engineering specs.

§     Converted NES Advantage™ into controlling device.

1990    The Abraham Lincoln Memorial Institute                                     

Founders                                                             Undisclosed Location, UT

§     Constructed entirely out of undetectable, light-warping molecules.

§     First college in America to offer a Ph.D. in Comedy.

§     First college in America to be awarded a foreign grant for its research into assassination methods.

§     Awarded the School of the America’s Excellence in Learning Certificate.

§     Constant repairs and lack of admissions cause institution to be shut down and converted into roadside attraction ("World's Largest Invisible Building").

1996    Fox 19/Ford Thunderbird Fun in the Sun Community Picnic         

Featured Performers                                             Las Drogas, CA

§     Warm up slot for Sinbad ("First Kid," "Houseguest")

§     Broke our diet with free ice cream from the green room.

§     Contracted crabs from the world’s most dishonest prostitute.

2002    The Million Laugh March                                    Washington, DC

Organizers

§     Raised over $13 towards curing ill-humor.

§     Gave HIV to over fifty of the participating comedians using a tainted syringe.

§     Found our birth mother in a ditch with her skull crushed.

2006    The Third Iraqi War                                                    Basra, Iraq

Troop Entertainment

§     Will slay the troops with our patented routines and observational humor.

§     Will also slay the troops with a high-energy pulse-forming generator-powered rail gun.

§     Will be tried and executed for treason.

2007    Former Wrestling Team HQ                                  Pittsburgh, PA

Haunting

§     Enlisted the help of famed ghoul Beetlejuice by invoking his name thrice.

§     Bungled attempts to remove new tenants, The Chortle Squad, including a Harry Belafonte sing-a-long and sculpture animation.

§     Grisly murder of The Chortle Squad by means of supernatural possession.

2072    The Great Earthquake                                                 The World

Earthquake Makers

§     Used necrotic energy drills to pierce the earth’s core.

§     Initiated a series of devastating earthquakes that destroyed 95% of the earth’s surface.

§     Ruled over the kingdom of death we unleashed upon the world.

Sleuthing

Education

2001    The Case of the Sullen Successor                      London, England

Detectives of the First Order

§     Used patented D-duction© methods to discover important clues.

§     Easily circumvented red herrings lesser detectives would have been fooled by.

§     Implicated Sir Basil Whifflebottom in the murder of his great aunt, Lady Hindquarters, charcoal tycoon.

1999    The Mystery of the Occupied Cenotaph                  Calcutta, India

Detectives of the Second Order

§     Placed patent on our unique X-Treme Deduction methods.

§     Discovered a broken emerald pendent bearing the Welchmont coat of arms inside the victim’s stomach.

§     Implicated Lord Welchmont of Parliament in the premature burial and murder of Hirem Singh, his illegitimate son and rightful heir to the British crown.

1997    What the Fuck is Going On?                                Pittsburgh, PA

Amateur Sleuths

§     Converted tree-house into detective agency.

§     Discovered satchel full of bloody hair amid search for missing baseball cards.

§     Implicated Bobby Smith in the murder of Sally Gooden, his rival in the apple pie baking contest.

1971–1975                    Giggle Institute                         Risus Purus, TX

§     Studied under Professor Chuckles, world-renowned laugh expert

§     Graduated Summa Cum Laugha

§     Minored in temporal physics.

1967-1971                     High School for Performing Arts    New York, NY

§     Took classes in tap, jazz, and modern dance.

§     Lived forever.

§     Learned how to fly.

Interests

2.3% compounded over 5 years.